instant karma

// at office... ca. 04.30 pm

Isn't fooling someone, in fact fooling yourself? Why would anyone feel the need of fooling someone? There are or can be a lot more questions around this subject, but one thing can be said before further discussion: Most of the time, or let's exaggerate, at any given time, fooling someone would be originating from only one point, namely, personal interest, benefit, and other synonyms of these. As far as I'm concerned, this statement is the furthest man would get. One does not simply discuss the morality or utility of it on any level of conscience.

Speaking personally (or writing, technically), I don't like fooling anyone. Yes, I do it sometimes, indeed. But the fact that it makes me feel guilty or upset remains the same regardless of whether or not I give a damn about who I believe to have fooled. One would be expected to feel bad in case it is somehow revealed that he/she has tried (yet failed) to fool someone else, they will be shunned, lose credibility and trust. However, if it is not discovered and he/she, so to speak, got away with it, then only he/she knows the truth, what actually happened - thank you Captain Obvious. Very little things may be forgotten or forgiven; no one would care. Nevertheless, what one has done, is still a burden, heavy or not. And one would be fooling no one but him-/herself by ignoring this fact, believing that it is nothing.

listening to: Jeff Buckley - So Real

thoughts of randomness and redundancy

// at home... 04.16 pm

I think a lot. I can't help it, especially when I'm alone. I think about random stuff if I don't have a glass in my hand*. These random things are so random that they fascinate me with their randomness and unnoticeability - this is not a real word. These things are really not important; they can be our actions, how the bicycles have angles with the pavement from your perspective, a shaped cloud in the sky or even how you parrot looks like Michael Keaton while enjoying a slice of green apple.

There is a cafe at one of the stops on my way to school. If I have time, a cup of tea accompanies my cigarette. But of course, I sit there facing the way, from where my bus will come. That sounds OK, that's what people do, right? Yesterday evening, I stopped by at this cafe as I was heading home. I went in, ordered my tea, and sat at the table in the corner; table 15, my table. I noticed after some time that I was facing the other way. This was the first time I stopped by at the cafe while I was on the way home, so also the first time I sat at the very same table as every time, not facing the way, from where the bus would come from. I smiled.

We have our moments.



* This is probably something you already encountered through shared and forwarded e-mails, posts, etc. It is a little anecdote I like.

listening to: Cake - Pretty Pink Ribbon

white and empty streets

// on foot... 08.27 pm

Snow...

coats me; my jacket, my hair, my scarf, my backpack, my boots.
permeates my disguise; covers my flesh, my bones.
chills my lungs as I inhale millions of snowflakes.
covers even my eyes, doesn't let me see how long it is till the end of the pavement.
freezes my heart, as I try to find my way.

The light of the street lamp is warm. It makes the street seem sort of orange. But I know that the snow is white. It is everywhere. It reminds me of you. It reminds me of the place you live; even though I have never actually seen that place.
There rises then warmth, sort of coziness. With the whisper of the song in my ear, it grows. I think of your words. Nothing is cold anymore. It is everywhere.

It's such a shame for us to part.

listening to: Coldplay - The Scientist

to-do-list

// on the bus... 04.39 pm

Well, when I started writing this, I was seriously thinking of the stuff I got to do the upcoming week. My intention was to make a to-do-list , like the one I made for the past week last Friday, which was almost perfect. To be honest, I forgot to include the 'procrastination' factor.

Now that I think of it, fortunately it was not that awful, despite the tight schedule. "Sure it could have been better!". A pretty familiar phrase, right? We hear/see it all the time, even when we succeed at something. Of course it could've, should've or would've been much better, only if... ! Just let go of all of these things, except the part after if. Keep those in mind, yet more write them down.

It's now time for my to-do-list; taking the analysis of last week's list as reference.

Keep the "if" in mind. "If" is good.


P.S. (or, redundant educational tip with an unnecessarily long name, which actually everyone is aware of ) : A bus may not be the best option of places to write. I didn't know I could make so many 'handwriting typos', which of course you do not see on this page =)

listening to: Damien Rice - Cannonball

thoughts with a little hangover

// on the ferry... 06.01 pm

Today, yesterday and tomorrow. About these I have been thinking since I woke up the other day, of course if you'd call it sleeping.

I thought about thinking a lot, I mean like too much, because I believe that's what I do all the time. This is the point of origin of my thoughts, worries, dreams, memories, nightmares, plans and many other stuff. That is pretty much what you expect it to be, right? I mean, yes, it's going to sound like a cliché but thinking a lot is what people do, regardless of if they care or not.

Sometimes I think (well, yeah think) I should stop doing the too much thinking and too much caring at the same time. It sort of pushes me hard, breaks me. But that can nevertheless not be the real answer to all these (if considered as a problem). What then now? Another cliché like 'the answer lies within'? Well, actually it sure does. Only if I manage to think all the possibilities and find one positive that relieves me. It may sound jealous but what can I say? One should not expect to be relieved by others (even the closests) but be able to do it alone. Doing it alone is hard and it takes a lot. And it is something that can not be easily avoided. Sooner or later it has to be done. And after doing it several times, one should get used to it.

listening to: Kent - 747

procrastination baby!

Well, I have to admit that procrastination is a part of my life. I mean like, if you take it out, you would have a total different me. I'm not sure if anybody could tell that it'd be better or not though.
Anyway, what I wanted to say is; I have been willing to bring this site online for a long time now and even though I find stuff to write about quite often, I didn't feel like writing sometimes, let alone publish it here. But I thought now, alright, I have to start somewhere.

Those of you, who are somehow and somewhy reading this, welcome to my world! What this is going to be about? I don't know it myself, I just thought, I'll write things. Beginning from today.

I might be late sometimes, don't worry. The title is the reason, but it does not mean I don't care.
Wish I had more time.

Till then...